Thursday, April 24, 2003
My life is in total disarray... and I don't even know where to start... I have been doing laundry, cleaning carpets and dishes and such for almost 3 days now and the house STILL looks like cluttered, disorganized, dirty crap!!! TOMORROW we make LISTS!! And pull out that damn timer again..
The THIS BOARD/THAT BOARD wars have really drained me too... I really just want everyone to be happy and get along peacefully but I guess it will take some more time.... I am gonna just keep trudging along and hope that we can all find a way to bond back together again....
The more I think about my life w/E the more I DON"T see our marriage lasting much longer... SURE we have been nice to each other and haven't really fought but he's made a few comments here and there that cut to the core even though I FINALLY begun to NOT react to... We have a guest - Uncle Toby - well Toby is an old old friend back from HS days... we love him dearly and he's the boys godfather... Toby has been suffering severe depression the past 3.5 yrs or so to the point he NEVER leaves his house let alone his room and spends almost all his time on the computer playing some fantasy role playing game or playstation... Well we got him out of the house and he's been here now a week - it's a start - and he's not on puter cause we can't seem to find a decent AOL connection speed for him to play his game.. BUT *I* have to walk on eggshells according to Mr E so as not to upset Toby - ok I understand that I really can as I see the benefit of Toby being somewhere other then his room at home alone... BUT does E have to spend ALL his time w/Toby?? He goes right in there and ignores the boys - leaves ME to bath them and get them ready for bed and such - the whole time they just want DADDY for one reason or another... not that E is a HUGE help anyway but he did a BIT more before last week...
Now there is the talk of the possible move... gee how do I break it to him that I plan on going ALONE w/boys??? I'll sell this shitbox for minimum of 18K and give him 6K to buy him off... pay off the yota - we are down to $880 YEAH!! That's less then 6 mo of payments!! And use another $3K to fix the KIA FINALLY - give E the yota or sell it and I am out of here!!!
After all my research about bipolar I am going to journal Dev's days/cycles for the next week and go armed to see shrink next Friday - had to reschedule Dev's psychologist appt today as I was running MAJORLY late again... story of my life... *sigh* Well I'll grab him on phone tomorrow or Monday and we can chat about Deven that way I guess.. I usually do all the talking anyway..
Oh but on an up note I think Dil and I are on the way to weaning - he went to bed 2 nights in a row w/o nursing and now tonight... and last night he got up from bed and went in with E and never even bothered me and I had been layign right next to him... he tells me I wasn't there... ooook... BUT I guess it's time we both moved on... I am a bit sad to see it end but in a way glad we have a new freedom from each other...
Well much like my life I have rambled on and all directions here tonight but I do feel better... Til next time...
The THIS BOARD/THAT BOARD wars have really drained me too... I really just want everyone to be happy and get along peacefully but I guess it will take some more time.... I am gonna just keep trudging along and hope that we can all find a way to bond back together again....
The more I think about my life w/E the more I DON"T see our marriage lasting much longer... SURE we have been nice to each other and haven't really fought but he's made a few comments here and there that cut to the core even though I FINALLY begun to NOT react to... We have a guest - Uncle Toby - well Toby is an old old friend back from HS days... we love him dearly and he's the boys godfather... Toby has been suffering severe depression the past 3.5 yrs or so to the point he NEVER leaves his house let alone his room and spends almost all his time on the computer playing some fantasy role playing game or playstation... Well we got him out of the house and he's been here now a week - it's a start - and he's not on puter cause we can't seem to find a decent AOL connection speed for him to play his game.. BUT *I* have to walk on eggshells according to Mr E so as not to upset Toby - ok I understand that I really can as I see the benefit of Toby being somewhere other then his room at home alone... BUT does E have to spend ALL his time w/Toby?? He goes right in there and ignores the boys - leaves ME to bath them and get them ready for bed and such - the whole time they just want DADDY for one reason or another... not that E is a HUGE help anyway but he did a BIT more before last week...
Now there is the talk of the possible move... gee how do I break it to him that I plan on going ALONE w/boys??? I'll sell this shitbox for minimum of 18K and give him 6K to buy him off... pay off the yota - we are down to $880 YEAH!! That's less then 6 mo of payments!! And use another $3K to fix the KIA FINALLY - give E the yota or sell it and I am out of here!!!
After all my research about bipolar I am going to journal Dev's days/cycles for the next week and go armed to see shrink next Friday - had to reschedule Dev's psychologist appt today as I was running MAJORLY late again... story of my life... *sigh* Well I'll grab him on phone tomorrow or Monday and we can chat about Deven that way I guess.. I usually do all the talking anyway..
Oh but on an up note I think Dil and I are on the way to weaning - he went to bed 2 nights in a row w/o nursing and now tonight... and last night he got up from bed and went in with E and never even bothered me and I had been layign right next to him... he tells me I wasn't there... ooook... BUT I guess it's time we both moved on... I am a bit sad to see it end but in a way glad we have a new freedom from each other...
Well much like my life I have rambled on and all directions here tonight but I do feel better... Til next time...
